Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I believe in your delicious
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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