In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
