just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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