I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
