Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
