Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
40s are totally the cure
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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