Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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