R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
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You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
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I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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