I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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