He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
