Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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