When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
