Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
