it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Sext me about skeletons
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
