i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
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he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
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My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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