batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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