don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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