I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
