I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
