I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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