I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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