if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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