quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
