Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
