My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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