hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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