She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
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She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
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Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me