Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
