I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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