party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
