Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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