Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
