You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
