god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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