so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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