I think my fart just growled at me.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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