My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
