who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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