my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
