I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I have tasted many bathrooms
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
