I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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