Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
