i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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