My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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