i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
