new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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