Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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