Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
