Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
