3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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