"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
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I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
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There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza