Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts