note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
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I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
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The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.