I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
