Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
