How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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