Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
