she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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