I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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