I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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