awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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