We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I think people are normalizing furries
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
