Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm too high and old for this...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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