Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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