you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
