omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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